| What do you say when someone dies? | | Print | |
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What do you say when someone dies? Death is something that touches us all at some time in our daily life. But how do you handle it when someone close to you looses someone they love? Do you feel awkward? Do you find yourself saying complacent statements like: “Oh they had a good innings,” or “At least they aren’t suffering now,” or something equally as frustrating.
I am in my early 50’s and in the last 10 years I have been support and comfort to so many of my friends who I have to acknowledge have all been younger than myself, who have passed over through cancer mainly. Gail, Michael, Larn, Podge, Hans, Derik, are a few of my dear friends I have seen pass over in the last few years. And still I wonder sometimes why fate sees fit to take one person and not another – the Russian roulette of cancer – you just never know who it will hit next. But death is not always by Cancer, in today’s world it can be murder, as in Michael’s case, or drowning as in Derik’s death, it can be old age, it can be car accidents, it can be sudden, unexpected and violent. Or it can be expected and peaceful, its something we all pray for but few are lucky enough to experience. Death is a part of life, and yet mostly its difficult to deal with, generally it confronts us with our own mortality, and often it challenges us to step over our own issues in order to be strong for someone else whose life has been torn apart. But what do you say to the person close to the one who has passed over? What can be said, other than, “I don’t know what to say?” and “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” Sometimes it better to say less than more, or to just be there, with a hug and a cup of tea. Why is it we are uncomfortable with death, when it’s probably the only thing we all can guarantee will happen to us in our lives? Those who have a solid faith in God or a specific religeon often cope better with tragety, as the community folds arround them to protect and comfort them. Yet so many people are alone these days, so many families are separated, so many isolated in their grief. In cases like this simply make a phone call, send a card, be available to give support, listen, just be strong, be a shoulder to lean on, be the guardian of those left behind, and becareful what you say, as sometimes talking ends up in saying inappropriate things, simply in an attempt to fill the uncomfortable space with something. Try not to become emotionally involved in the grief, if your crying your eyes out and blubbering everywhere you wont be much help to the one who is really hurting. Try not to feel awkward, as our awkwardness often leads to saying stupid things trying to fill the space of our discomfort with empty statements that still leave us feeling stupid. When the person grieving does not hear, their hearts breaking with the grief, their energy taken in a journey to revisit every laugh, every argument, every memory, and the words often lost in a sea of internal thoughts. The most profound thing someone can do for another person when someone dies is to listen, to hold them, to just be there, to give comfort and to resist having to fill the air with words. Just be there ~ be truly present, and show you care that in the true sense of the word is all you can do at that moment, and it is the most nurturing thing you can do. More articles on this topic are soon to come on line. (22.4.08) TRUITY |
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